It was love, but then he left you, or you left him, or you broke up, or something else happened. And now you are expecting a baby and going to raise him or her without a father. And sad and hopeless “single mom“ comes to your head…
How to keep up with it and become a happy woman and a mother?
Well, first of all, you need to think good thoughts (even if you do not feel like it), you need to believe that now “a single mom” does not sound hopeless anymore.
Many women choose to accept maternity without a husband because they did not happen to meet the right person, but they want to be mothers.
A family of a mother and a child only is also a family and the way it is going to depend on you.
Here is what you need to do to help yourself cope with everything and become happy:
Step 1
To believe that a family can be incomplete and at that to give a child everything, s/he needs.
It is better for a child not to have a father than to have a person nearby who does not love him, does not care about him, and always argue with his mother.
Get rid of misguiding thinking, which leads to dependency on what others think for example:
– The environment continually evaluates me and my actions, notice the flaws.
– The love of others must be earned, so I need to please everyone.
– The opinion of others – the most correct, as things are always more apparent to those on the sidelines.
Such prejudices make it difficult to relate to the opinions of others adequately – this is just one of the views, and not always the most objective.
Each person sees reality based on his projection of the world. It is only for you to decide whether someone’s opinion is useful to you, whether you will use it to improve your life.
Trust yourself, your actions, choices, and opinions more. Less compare yourself with others. Surround yourself with those who do not put pressure on you.
Separate your desires from the expectations of the public; otherwise, in favor of other people’s interests, you risk putting your life and your children in the background.
Step 2
Forgive the man.
Do you hate him? Do you take offence at him?
It threatens that you will feel the same feelings towards a child. After all, this is his child.
Remember that for a baby, dad and mom are two halves. If they say, “your dad is bad,” the child understands this as “you are bad.”
If they say, “your mother is bad,” the child feels that they are scolding him.
Often single mothers who retain an insult to their husbands speak with the objection to their children: “You are as mean (stupid, clumsy, etc.) as your father!”
Do not develop complexes and self-doubt in your child. You had feelings, and now you will have a child.
Thank the man for this and forgive and a child is a different person. This is YOUR person.
Step 3
If you broke up with the father of the child recently, you need to rebuild your brain with thoughts of HIM to think about a CHILD.
Surrounding often with their consolations only make it worse: “Come on, think about it, soon a baby will appear, you will have happiness!” forbid yourself to grieve, and this is so wrong!
After all, resentment, suffering, anger will surely make themselves known in the future and can spoil the attitude towards the baby.
To switch to the baby and live a new life, you need to survive the separation, to cry and then start a new life with your child.
Do not chase down the problem. Denial in the spirit of “this is not happening to me” only aggravates the situation.
Accept forced loneliness easily as a temporary situation that you intend to use as efficiently and effectively as possible.
The second step is to find the pros alone. Temporary seclusion, the opportunity to engage in creativity, the freedom not to adapt to the desires of a partner.
What else?
Make a list of 10 items. It is essential to learn to see in your state not only harmful but also positive sides.
The third step is practical action. Fear stops movement, and the work stops anxiety. Remember this rule and be active.
New acquaintances, new leisure, new hobby, and unique pet – any activity that will help you not to feel lonely and fill the space around you with interesting people and businesses will do.
Step 4
Deal with the sense of guilt. Do not blame yourself for the fact that you could not create a healthy family.
Families are different, and the main thing is not that the child grows close to the father, but that he was loved.
You will love him, grandmothers, grandfathers, your friends. He will still have a family!
Do not blame yourself that the man does not want to be with you.
People break up not because someone is wrong, but because they do not fit together and now you have a chance to find your man, the one who suits you and wants to be with you!
Going to the cinema with your grandfather, doing homework with your uncle, going on a camping trip with friends – for a child it will be an excellent opportunity to learn various types of male behaviour.
If there is an opportunity to at least partially included in the process of raising the father of the child or his relatives, do not neglect it, no matter how great your offence is.
Perhaps you hide an unspoken resentment and aggression under a sense of guilt.
On the other hand, do you punish yourself for what happened, or do you need knowledge of guilt for something else?
By rationalizing your sin, you will be able to recognize and eliminate the primary cause of its occurrence.
Step 5
Call a time out. Do not rush to look for a new father to a child as a matter of urgently or try on celibacy wreath. Be attentive to yourself.
Analyze, are you ready for a new relationship? Think about why you want a new relationship, what drives you: guilt, loneliness, or the desire to be happy?
If, on the contrary, you refuse to attempt to arrange a personal life, consider what prompts you to make this decision. Fears of causing child jealousy or fear of own disappointment.
Alternatively, does the previous negative experience make you avoid repeating the situation by any means? On the other hand, is this your conscious and informed decision?
Be honest with yourself, and when making decisions, be guided by the main rule: “A happy mother is a happy child.”
Pregnant and single
It seems to you that other future mothers always walk with their husbands, they gently pat them on the stomach, accompany them to children’s stores for cute sliders, choose an infant bed together.
Do not be sad, in the first place, not all husbands devote much time to their wives, not everyone has time to walk, and very often happy and married alone go to doctors and the park and you are not alone!
You have friends, and you have colleagues, relatives. Well, if you can go to a course for pregnant women – everything is there, they will support you there.
Besides, there are specialized courses for single mothers. Think that there are pluses in your loneliness!
You have the opportunity to live in comfort – walking around the house in old comfortable stretched T-shirts, not worrying about how you look, sleeping, spreading your stomach on the whole bed, not suffering from nausea due to the strongly smelling cologne of her husband and future father loves garlic you hate.
Screw-in a light bulb, friends, will always help to assemble a crib.
Agree with neighbours or relatives to be on the alert when it comes time to go to the hospital.
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